There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
