Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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