my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
