Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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