today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
