I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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