I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
