Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
