Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
