You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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