did you get engaged???
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
