we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
we should paint friendship bongs
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