I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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