your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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