if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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