she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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