I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i was born a porn star she said
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
