He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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