She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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