I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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