i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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