Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
