Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
