Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
