saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
