I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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