Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
