im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
