Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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