Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
