I am puke
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
