this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
