Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
