Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
