Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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