She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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