I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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