I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
