I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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