we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
