my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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