Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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