I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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