she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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