is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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