You smell like stripper and shame
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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