Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
