that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
