i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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