I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
